I want to die – suicide

Regularly, the belief “I want to die” occurs during trainings and lectures. At the days Depression & Addictions (third year HeartConnection Training) you will find a striking example from Johan. His grandfather stood by a lake at 18 to end his life. His grandchild, Johan, stands in the exact same spot at 18 to commit suicide. Johan then admitted himself. During the HeartConnection Training Johan worked on this. By gaining insight into his story, he is no longer depressed after 36 years.

Forty-three

After the dramatic divorce at age forty-three, every night, early in the morning, I had the thought, “I want to die,” for hours at a time with a gun pointed at my forehead. No matter how I tried my best, I couldn’t get this thought to go away. Horrible to have this every night. After three years of engaging in HeartConnection work, I found out the cause. I am number two in the family, my father is also number two. He killed himself with gas when I was 15. Earlier, at age 12, my mother’s great love committed suicide with a rope. But the biggest blow took place in my Life Blueprint. When my mother was three months pregnant with me, she found her mother, that is, my grandmother, on the floor. She had taken too many pills. My mother thought she was dead. She was taken by ambulance to the hospital, where they pumped her stomach. The doctors said Grandma would not recover and if she did, she would be brain dead and unable to do anything. For four months, my mother went to the hospital every day. After four months, my mother was then seven months pregnant with me, Grandma came out of a coma, healthy and well, and came to live in our home. My grandmother is also number two in the family. The conflict impact, the trauma with her thought “I want to die,” entered my brain and body.

Fifteen

The thought, the desire to be dead, was reactivated at age 15 by my father’s suicide. For years I experienced guilt, anxiety, panic attacks and the feeling of wanting to be dead. I didn’t, because I had experienced myself how painful it is to be left behind when someone (my father) kills himself. After eight years, things improved, but still with periods of depression.

Review

At age forty-three, after a dramatic divorce in which I lost everything in one day, the thought and desire “I want to die” was strongly reactivated. I felt as I did at 15: anxious, guilty, panicked, depressed and wanting to be dead. I was in shock as I was at fifteen. But I had two sweet children to take care of. They gave me the strength to keep going. With HeartConnection’s work, I found out that in my father’s and mother’s families there was a lot of destructiveness and aggressiveness.

Programming

Numbers 3 and 4 keep coming back in my dramas:

• At age 12, my grandmother (3×4) and my mother’s great love died.
• At forty-three, I go through a dramatic divorce.

Through these insights and patterns, I suddenly knew at age forty-six that the thought “I want to die” is not mine. It was an inheritance from my grandmother and father. In the middle of the night, this insight put the thought and death out of my system. I realized: this thought “I want to die” is not mine, it is my father’s and grandmother’s. I leave this with them now. ‘I want to die’ I let go now.

Connect-Melt-Loose

I had understood my “I want to die” story and began to connect and merge with it. It was an intense experience. I was clear, direct, stern and kept saying it until it was gone. It never came back.

Golden Family Tree

Knowing that both my father and grandmother also inherited this ‘I want to die’ thought again from their (for) parents through their DNA, I could say, ‘I am now releasing this from my brain, body and DNA. This transformation is happening not only to me, but at the same time to my children and my family’. It is a major cleansing that we call the Golden-Tree, Golden-Family Tree. When you release a family legacy, it happens throughout the family tree.

Therefore, within HeartConnection there is no blame, judgment, victim. We have the honorable task of releasing these legacies.

Papa

It is unfortunate that you had to suffer so much, for years in solitude and feeling that no one understood you. I was fourteen years old and I knew you wanted out of life, but you were unreachable. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. The work you didn’t finish, I instinctively received as a legacy. This was tough, it was a huge counterforce, which gives me a lot of strength now. You give me daily adventure, creativity, humor, goofiness, intelligence, curiosity and many talents. Dad, you live on in me, your two daughters and your six beautiful grandchildren. Now I see that your legacy gives me and many enlightenment and therefore I know that everything is perfect. Everyone is perfect. Every situation has a reason: to grow in awareness and create a loving connection with yourself!

The workings of the subconscious mind, patterns, family tree, numbers, deprogramming you will receive during HeartConnection Training.

Video youth counselor HeartConnection

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